Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
