I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
