I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's blow job season.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
