Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
