I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
