somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
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