My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
