just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
