ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
