So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
