I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
