Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He kissed a someone with a penis
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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