she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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