i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
