I like my sex mixed with concussions.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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