areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
