I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
