So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
