I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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