y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Randomize
