OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
