I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i came on her dog
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
