the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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