if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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