So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
