Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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