I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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