Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
