i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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