Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
