i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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