Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
