I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
