I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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