Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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