i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
