Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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