I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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