My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
