Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I looked at my own cervix.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
