May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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