Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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