You made me cry and you don't even care
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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