Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
