First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
