Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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