Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
