Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
