this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
