They should really pass out barf bags in church
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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