There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
