Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
