Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
