well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
