its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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